…So a blog begins. It is my attempt to transcend what can be a self indulgent way of posturing and packaging a life story just as an egoic art exhibition for public consumption. As I begin with this first post, I am making the commitment to myself to not only share the resplendent and complex details of the surface story of the way M sees and experiences the world, but to the best of my ability to give a peek behind the curtain into the deeper reasons of how I live and why it is I do what I do. It is my journey of self discovery shared not only for the pleasure of documenting the beautiful, unique and intricate details of the life, but also more importantly for me, exploring the deeper reasons for its living.
In actuality, I have spent most of my life being an open, but rather private person. On reflection this seemingly unusual contradiction developed as a natural coping strategy in response to finding myself hardly ever alone, but often in the past still feeling rather lonely. I am fortunate in this life to have been loved by many people, but actually to have been truly deeply known, it has only been by a very precious few.
Some years ago with an excellent Chinese takeout I got a fortune in a cookie that said, “To know others gives wisdom, to know oneself gives enlightenment”. I saved that little piece of paper, had it laminated, and for many years I carried it my wallet as a talisman and reminder. For whatever reason, early on in my life I remembered a second piece to this powerful truth which is that we also only truly see and know others to the depth we can see and know ourselves first. So it is when we are only living on the surface and not taking a deep and honest look at ourselves, it is impossible for us to connect in a deep and honest way with anyone else either. This little dynamic in the flow of human story has often left me surrounded by some of the most wonderful and loving people living interesting lives, but as I attempt to see past the life details from a deeper perspective, we are in the same room together, but I am left experiencing what we are actually sharing all alone.
The most important experiences of my life to date have been shared in exchange or in a dance so to speak with those who also were seeking to know themselves deeply, too. By their doing this, with a natural flow, they seemingly magically and automatically know me clearly as well. These are the moments and exchanges in which my day to day life is transformed and it is like being with the oracle in the movie The Matrix. I am Neo and they are giving me the gift of “Temet Nosce” (know thyself) as they so closely mirror my own deeper journey. It is to be in the act of sacred reflection with each other …or (so cheesy it almost pains me to type it here), with these precious people it is not a relationship we share, but rather a reflectionship :).
In an attempt to connect with more of these deep seeing people, and as a beginning experiment working toward more transparency for closing the gap between the open yet private me, before this blog, I spent some months with my first public on-line presence through facebook. Overall I would call the experience a fun distraction, but in the process I did learn some important things about myself.
I was fortunate that very quickly many dear friends who I had lost touch with over the years tracked me down. It was an interesting exercise to get crafted and controlled surface snap shots into each others lives. However, after less than a year I put my facebook account into hibernation. I did this for many reasons, but the final impetuous came for me when an absolutely adored friend from high school in response to one of my posts wrote that she was enjoying living vicariously through my sharings about my life. Reading her words, my heart sank. I thank this precious friend so much for the sharing of her truth in that moment with that statement as she helped me realize that more than just surface sharing in facebook, I was desiring to encourage others to relish and devour their lives as I do mine. I did not want her to contrast her life to mine, but rather to celebrate the uniqueness of hers with me. So at the end of my facebook experience I was left asking myself how do we share our life story with others without using some illusional external measuring stick to compare our story with someone elses in return? I am hoping also to explore this here on this blog.
I do live a beautiful and interesting life on the surface, but at the end of the day, on that level my life is no more stunning or important or worth sharing than anyone elses. What is worth sharing for me is the deeper hows and whys I see in these details and then seeing who else sees them too.
Welcome to seeingM. Hope you enjoy sharing the view.