Something Was Magnificently Wrong

It was a profound moment when I found myself standing filling a glass of water at the antique buffet sideboard which I had turned into a double vanity for sinks in my master bathroom.  I stood there with the glass of water and held in my other hand was a sample bubble sealed package of Prozac.  I was 29 years-old.

sideboard double vanity

Had it really come to this?

I was unhappy in my life.  This was true.  I had told my family physician that I was struggling with bouts of the blues which seemed to cluster round the natural hormonal mood swings related to my period.  This was not a lie, but it was not completely true either.  As a result of my carefully crafted conversation, he had given me a one month sample of the pills to try and I had arrived at the moment of deciding to actually take them or not.

The real, deeper truth which I had not disclosed to my doctor was that I had just begun to be honest enough with myself to know that I had a harder time pretending within myself that I was happy when I also was dealing with the effects of PMS.  The illusion and untruth of being happy unraveled past what I could pretend in those moments.  I had never been one to indulge in the “woe is me” during the monthly hormonal rides gifted to females, rather always just allowing my body to get on with it, but this was beginning to get harder and harder to do when what I was getting on with creating in my life was not supporting the allowance of joy or real satisfaction to be experienced.

So it was I found myself stood in that bathroom.  I got as far as popping open one of the little foil blisters and stood with a little green and white chemical ride into an altered state rolling around in my palm.  It felt like a little piece of dry coolness, plastic and smooth to the touch.  Here was what seemed by all reports to be a safe, chemical path to a change in my feelings to gift a change in mood.

Prozac Blister Pac


It would have been so easy to swallow that pill.   However, through my own observations at work (working as a therapist within a private practice with LCSWs), I had enough experience with use of chemicals prescribed as part of the therapeutic process to know that at it’s root, this pill popping path did not address the reasons why the emotions and texture of depression was there to begin with.  Emotions, when there is no organic damage present, are outcomes… just symptoms of the beliefs we have assigned to thoughts which have turned into experiences which generate the opportunity of the feeling of them to begin with.  When living, we in this way continuously experience a feedback loop.  It is a loop that when we consciously choose to assign meaning, can be seen as for our good and for our growth.  Seeing unhappiness and depression as a good thing is then always available one different choice in thought and assigned meaning away.

What would I be creating by giving the power to change the way I felt in this loop to an artificially introduced outside source?  Just what was I about to do to myself and my own ability to balance and heal what I felt if I swallowed an externalized additive, thereby introducing a synthetic crutch for an alteration of my physical chemistry?

In a moment of utter clarity, I realized that if I took that pill, I was just about to synthetically drive away the feeling of a symptom that was appearing as a result of my not living a life being true to who I authentically knew myself to be.  I had been lying to myself about what was happening in my life and I did not yet want to take the full responsibility of knowing it was my own choices and my belief about them that had brought me to those feelings in the first place.

Unhappiness creates depression usually initially as the result of something untrue that we try to believe is true and then is reinforced by choices that we make in action based on that initial lie.  Unhappiness for me, then comes about as a gifted request for change in the feedback loop.  It is a request for realignment and if it is ignored long enough, this is what leads to depression.

What was it in my thinking and behavior that was actually causing me unhappiness?  What was I not wanting to change?  What was it that I was afraid of thinking, doing, and being within the creation of unhappiness that was leading me to feel depressed?  If I took that pill I realized I would loose the ability to track how I actually organically felt as an outcome in response to what I was doing in my life.

In this flash of real clarity regarding the importance of the teaching tools that emotional states actually are and our ability to empower and dis-empower our chance to change the root causes, I turned with the pill still in my hand and flushed it down the toilet.  I still drank the glass of water while looking myself squarely in the eyes in the mirror and promised myself not to medicate away my unhappiness, thereby creating an artificial reality when in truth in my case, the root cause of my unhappiness and depression was about a fear I had about changing things I was doing that were creating the experience of unhappiness to begin with.  It was a fear of taking the full responsibility for perpetuating this feeling leading to depression by not changing.  The unhappiness and depression itself was the map pointing the way back to beliefs and thoughts that were resulting in behavior patterns in my life that I was living that were untrue.



I had several requests to follow through with writing this post after leaving a comment for Me My Magnificent Self.  She inspired the rememberence of this moment in my life with her important share here:  X

Also, as I was just online writing this post this morning, Anacephalaeos popped this into my reader:  X

It is wonderful to get tangible and concrete reminders that we are all here in this together.  -x.M

This entry was published on September 18, 2013 at 12:05 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

22 thoughts on “Something Was Magnificently Wrong

  1. At the time of this event, I was in a marriage with a man I loved, but with whom the opportunity for deep, meaningful conversation was rare. I tried telling myself this was ok, when really, for me, it was not. I also was working as a therapist which I told myself I enjoyed, but I was realizing I had chosen this as a career path during a time that I myself was still wounded from trauma in my childhood. I had instinctively chosen this educational path as a junior in college at age 17 so I could “fix” myself. For the next twelve years, I had been the classic wounded healer, which although giving me great empathy and natural skills to help others heal, was no longer supporting my own trajectory of continued growth into my future.

    I am not a MD, but I have worked with enough psychiatrists and wounded healers over the years, that I knew the allure of a seemingly quick fix when I saw one. I also understood what it is to self medicate away the feeling of what can be perceived as negative emotions. People do it all the time with consuming substances like alcohol and nicotine and engaging with activities geared to create adrenaline highs (extreme sports, seeking ‘runners’ highs, etc). People also can choose to create drama in their lives by making poor choices so they can ride a roller coaster of addiction to the feeling of the chemistry of stress. Then still there others who eat or do not eat certain foods specifically to alter their body’s chemistry which allows us to feel and not feel certain things. Each of us is wired differently and it has been my experience that each of us map the use of drugs of choice over time to map the emotional landscape found while being in human bodies.

    I also know there are those individuals who arrive on this planet into biological forms with true physical, organic limitations that do require external support to balance and aid them toward their own version of highest functioning. For them, the taking of medication can be a wonderful long term tool. There also are times that disavowal of ones authentic personal truth has gone on for so long that the physical body can no longer remember the pathways to allowing creation of it’s own ‘happy chemistry’. In these extreme cases (for those who have ceased to function and know they have), for a time, some externalized support and help in the form of medication can be temporarily beneficial for remembering what the chemical potential of allowing happiness and joy feels like (it is a remembering of physical wiring pathways that are temporally pharmacological supported long enough, but not so long that the medication crutch becomes a prosthetic!).

    I would never tell someone else not to seek help from an outside source such that medication is. However, I think those who can actually be helped by it’s use long term are few and far between. For those who are seeking to shift their emotional landscape with medication, I always suggest DETAILED journaling when beginning the taking of any pill to help track mood and changes in ones ability to support the access to and holding of feelings. This is to practice being the observer of the part of oneself that is doing the feeling. I feel…. ___x____ . Then it is important that one pay attention to the ‘I’ that is doing the assessing of the feeling. In this, there is always a neutral observer present watching the emotional landscape as it comes and goes. It is important to track the creation of any emotional space for new thoughts to arise within. This tracking can lead to remembering organic lasting changes in our natural chemistry guiding us into the experience of the world around us. If medication is sought to do anything, it should be to hold that space for us to remember what our truth is. If taken at all for altering of mood, it should only be long enough for us to find access to these feelings and then slowly going off the medication now having the courage to make the changes we need to align our living of our lives more closely with what will naturally support this chemistry with the way that truth uniquely feels and looks in life action for each of us.

    When something is labeled as being ‘wrong’ from within the range of feeling unhappy to the development into it’s chronic cousin in depression, the minute I look at the feeling of these things as a gift pointing me in the direction of where my next step of growth is waiting, what happens to the thought assigning the meaning of the feeling being ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’? We feel what we feel… it is a choice to assign the meaning to the feeling. For me, unhappiness and depression can be a wonderful balance point of resetting into neutral within the absence of what we would believe can only be positive emotions as a teacher.

    Instead of pills, back in the day it was doing things like this that helped me find my way back out of depression:

    And a more formalized and structured system of questioning that I have also found helpful and have suggested to others over the years, is also found in the interpretation of The Work by Byron Katie:

    • How many thoughts have to be questioned to get to the delicious center of our tootsie pop lives? 🙂 Bowing in Love to the one standing in the mirror of truth pinching a choice in her fingers and to the one who expands a cockroach moment into a “how” of the work!

      • What a delightful share. I think I have found the treat to hand out this Halloween!!!

        We continue to rock the boat just enough to find the balance… not tipping over and not lulling ourselves to sleep. -x.M

      • Nice koan Marga! From 0 to ∞/π Σ ≠ ≥: answers 2 all our collective questions since the beginning of now evermore. The wise old owl seizes the moment and takes a bite out of life. Play the game and all shall be revealed. ☼ Mwah!

    • I think I read most of the article, your comment, and the links ….
      Great Stuff. Thank you for sharing!

      • Your zinnias came in while I was writing this as well. Roses, ranuculus, peonies and zinnias are my favorite flowers. What a beautiful series of photos to stop and enjoy while doing some heavy inner lifting with writing this post. Appreciate the connections you gift here. -x.M

      • … I had not prepared a post – and found the pictures on my hard drive, then cropped them for publication. Good to hear they had the right timing.

  2. Erik Andrulis on said:

    What a meaty, personal post. I had no idea about your prior experiences and struggles. Thanks for sharing.

    This resonated with me: “I still drank the glass of water while looking myself squarely in the eyes in the mirror and promised myself not to medicate away my unhappiness, thereby creating an artificial reality when in truth in my case, the root cause of my unhappiness and depression was about a fear of I had about changing things I was doing that were creating the experience of unhappiness to begin with. ”

    At one point in college, blasted on some cocktail of something, I had the same moment of feeling the same way. That was one moment of epiphany – that self-reflection – that woke me up to my actions, behavior, and the need to change from within.

    There are more synchronicities than I could have ever realized until I finally realized that, being one, every experience that anyone has, I have.

    Peace, Ik

    • Details of the actions in living are radically different, but the texture of emotional landscape underpinning is exactly the same. The more we can map these layers and then turn and share in nakedness offered up in our surface details, the more we realize we are one.

      So fun to find in you as myself the me that has no problem with the rinse cycle at that karmic laundrette. Thanks MarIk. -x.M


      Not important as a read for you IK, but left as a trail for anyone else who might want a deeper peek at more of the details that can bring us to these moments… might I offer:

    • The bow to this bravo is done in the mirror and is reflected right back to the inspiration that is you B! Oh the joy of standing naked, well as naked as we can, in any given experience and then turning and sharing what is seen. -x.M

  3. Thanks as ever for Being a True Mirror – how one small moment of awareness can completely change a trajectory – oh shanti, shanti…..xx

  4. Totally awesome M, so glad you took the proverbial “red” pill. Nothing like a dose of reality to awaken to all there is, and know who you really are. ☼

    One of my favorite quotes from the Matrix – Morpheus allows Neo to decide:

    “This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill – the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill – you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. Remember, all I’m offering is the truth – nothing more.”

    Prozac only allows our (society) splintered mind to tolerate the Matrix (illusion) for a little while longer. Ultimately this construct all comes crashing down… M, we appreciate an awakened soul like u’r self shining the light of truth and pointing the way home, back within our “self”. As for my “self”, I’m thrilled to see how this grand “lila” play evolves, when souls start awakening – enlightenment’s going 5D viral!

    *Peace out sister*

    • How wonderful to have hit the state of code red when the lies no longer work, only to awaken and find the foam machine about to go off at our spot on the dance floor (?!!). So happy to find you at the party of living EU-M!

      LOVING finding one such as you dancing in the adventure that bumps up against my place on the floor.

      Super fly Chica, stunningly beautiful and super fly are we 🙂 .


      • Well thx sexy (M)ama, keep rockin’ the world with your inimitable awesomeness! ♥
        Living EU-M, AUM…OM….Foaming head 2 toe, meetUP @n da dancefloor WOOHOO! 😀

  5. Anonymous on said:

    Just looked at your blog space here for the 1st time after having found the note you gave me when you were visiting here in DK. – We always wonder what would have been if, but while I cannot take away where we have been, I can just say that my sincere hope is that we are who we are because of where we have been. I can say that I am sorry for any frustrations that I may have caused, but I am so pleased about who you are, that I cannot be sorry for all that has transpired in this life.

    Nice that in the composite of our lives we can take the good and mess it with all the rest and come up with the great and wonderful person that we have become. You are there and I feel good about me as well. We just need to endure to the end, and make it if we live long enough.

    Love Ya, your Dad.

    • Aaawwee….. this girl loves her Papasan so much :). Thanks for EVERYTHING dad… and when I say everything, I mean it. The challenges in my life taught me as much and in many cases even more than the great stuff (and there was MUCH more of that in my childhood).

      You have shown great courage in your life and you rightfully walk with your head held high on a path that teaches unconditional love through the living of it. You know how to love and for me, that is the greatest gift I could have ever been given in a father.

      I am looking forward to spending some time together this fall when you return from DK. I had hoped to make it over to Europe this summer/early fall, but life gets a going in other directions. I WILL see you in UT or AZ soon.


  6. Thanks so much for this. I needed to read this. I feel exactly the same way about “happy pills,” but lately have been toying with the idea of seeking some. You’ve helped to reel me back in. 🙂

    • Exploring the shadow or touching up against the ‘dark nights of the soul’ can be some of the most challenging times to navigate in my experience. I am grateful that my experience can be found as helpful. In that way, what was lived and written about is just for you. Transparency is one of the first steps to help gift clarity and it puts one on the trajectory of transformation. Our life details (meaning the stuff of experience that is going on and the people who are participating in our story of living) usually are very unique, but the feeling body underneath that in my experience is usually very much the same.

      If you are not familiar with Byron Katie’s The Work, it really is excellent. When I found it, it was like meeting a sister who had formalized and streamlined an edited version of what I was doing in my own questioning to reveal deeper truths in my life. I will link up another very interesting interview series that goes a little deeper for anyone who is following the threads to find here:

      Britt, I am not sure how it is that these words on this blog came to find your front door, but because they have, I know you are in such beautiful motion in your life. How do I know this? I would not be writing to you unless you were because you would have not called these words to yourself as a reminder. I as M, am not the be all or end all (yet -lol), however it has been my experience that words like those left here are not found by those who are not rocking and rolling in their lives. YOU ARE AMAZING! Hang in there. If happy pill help is ever indicated, you would know with certainty in the moment that it is right for you right then. We re-ask the questions and as we allow ourselves to be present in the moment, the answers can grow and shift with us as we grow and shift. Back in the day, if I had taken that pill I do not necessarily think it would have been wrong, but I do think it would have delayed my ability to access the deeper truth of love afoot in my life 🙂 .

      There is deep wisdom and truth in the concept that ‘this too shall pass’. Kudos to you for bringing this out in a time of challenge. Sonnet 116 brings this home for me… the tempests may toss, but love is not shaken. Britt, you are loved. So loved that you are being asked to map the full range of emotional polarity found here during the human adventure on earth. You are mapping this as a gift to yourself and all others who will directly touch your path while living the life known as B.

      Congratulations on finding the courage to look into the mirror and love what you see, even as we bare it out until the edge of doom (that line always punches me in the gut when I read it because I remember that feeling of doom so well). Your height is taken, but here on seeingM, to the best of our ability to currently do so, you worth is know. I see you B and you are powerful. You are beautiful. You are not alone in the challenges found in being here and really living in your life. -xo.M

      Let me not to the marriage of true minds
      Admit impediments. Love is not love
      Which alters when it alteration finds,
      Or bends with the remover to remove:
      O no! It is an ever-fixèd mark
      That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
      It is the star to every wandering bark,
      Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
      Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
      Within his bending sickle’s compass come:
      Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
      But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
      If this be error and upon me proved,
      I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

  7. Pingback: January Challenge – My Awakening & Moving Forward | seeingM

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