seeingM

Random Funk

I have fallen in it.

I find there is this hole around me and I have chosen to dive right out into it…smack dab left of center into the full on funk of not feeling like engaging with the world.

I just can’t get motivated to do much of anything.
I can’t find a will to care.

Ever feel like that upon awakening on a random Tuesday morning with no source particulars to pin the loss of happy on, in or around?

Humph.  Blah.  Bah humbug.

Tetchy, along with his big brother Grumpy (and their close cousin Cantankerous), all vie for a place at my tea table.  The awareness of a little part of self that I have cultivated to observe the flow always from neutral, gets a kick out of watching the way these precious fools enter into the emotional room at my home.  It is gives the surface appearance of a bleak house indeed.  Shake me up Judy…and welcome to the party Mr. Smallweed.  🙂

When mentally rounding up all the usual causality suspects in the flow of my life, they seem well in hand…those remaining ouchy spots in my memory and the current works in the progress of growth are examined, found accounted for and seem under control.  They are not instigating this little life engagement strike and in truth, there has been no real riot (…as of yet).

It is not so bad a dance with the black dog that the bills are not getting paid on time and the hair on the head remains washed on more or less a socially appropriate schedule without seeming to be too awful of a herculean effort.

However, still the fundamental feeling of a funk remains.

When things get like this, as I contemplate with a peek outside into the world, I find I come back home and wholeheartedly give in to my propensity to withdraw.

::

disengage
resistance is futile

::

I hate faking it with the outside world, so I give my self permission to indulge with a secret love affair.  I give in to a passionate (even if tipping blissfully into a torrid at times) romance with my true nature:  Introversion.

Who me?

…you mean to say that Maren, (the oft described outgoing-friendly-smiley-happy person M) secretly from time to time does not like to be around people?

Busted.

I quietly and discretely sound the closing on any forced extroversion bell and make my hasty retreat into honesty:

Yes, often I do not like being around people.

::

Some random things I do in my world when feelings felt while in a random funk tip into action:

  • I turn off my phone.
  • I do not look at email.
  • I read.  A lot.
  • I wear my pajamas all day.
  • I participate only in conversation with the movement of light as it changes and glows around the room I am in.

Example of the talk it had with me a few evenings ago:

light dancing

spotlight on home glow outside and in(What a wonderful thing to experience for the first time in the rooms one lives in as the sun changes position through the windows -shifting color, angle and location with the flow of seasons. It is my first spring spent in this space and it is stunningly lit.)

  • I spend hours and hours just sitting in the quiet on the couch with the only sound of the passing movement of time

the lushishness that is lukemarked with the metronome

back from water bowlof perfection found in a purr

saying hello::

  • I find I focus on consuming things rather than creating.

In any funk fought consumption I usually return to my first drug of choice which both anesthetizes AND makes me feel better:  beautiful cinema.  This go around, I started last week with a rescreening of a visually ravishing long time favorite:

Memoirs of a Geisha 

Having spent some years when growing up with a Japanese au pair of sorts, I learned as a young girl to adore that particular culture’s esthetic.  I LOVE the concept that the meaning of the Japanese word “geisha” represents:

one’s life lived itself
as a work of art

In fact, it was the memory filed away of the beautiful set pieces used in the movie (during the metamorphosis of the main character from Chiyo to Sayuri -see comments) which was the inspiration point for the purchase choice of my own magic mirror:   X.  Even in a funk, it is there daily reminding me of beauty and transformation in my own life.  And with that, can’t a funk be found and reflected back with it’s own kind of beauty, too?!:

Chiyo to Sayuri magic mirrorbehind the scenes as Chiyo becomes Sayuri at her Kyodai (mirrored vanity chest)
I adore seeing the truth behind the magic of beauty!

::

Ms magic mirrorcurrent bedroom corner of inspiration location of M’s Kyodai
(I have never been able to kneel comfortably for long periods, so my vanity is now placed on an antique oak table; still the first thing I see when I wake up.  And the little red lacquer table pictured in the original Transformation post?  It now makes it’s home in the corner of the downstairs powder room!)

::

  • I eventually, for better or for worse, usually at some point also cave into the crave for comfort food as well.

When I feel like this, I do force myself to go out and engage with other people and the external world by at least going to the market.  In the cart and returning home with me when I feel funk like this is usually mashed potatoes, rootbeer and sliced white bread.

market run

As a small child I can remember sitting with my sister in the back window well of my dad’s red Volkswagon Bug and heading to the drive-in for a Frostie rootbeer.  It was served in chilled, chunky mugs.  There also were trips made to the Day Old Wonderbread Store (which my siblings and I always called year old 🙂 ).   Always on a budget, my mother would buy in bulk and freeze the extra bread.  It NEVER tasted good defrosted, so I tended to toast everything.

To this day I can never fail to be cheered by a piece of toast made with FRESH, cakey white bread.  A moment of comfort in the funk was enjoyed earlier today, complete with lemon honey and cinnamon sugar toast and hibiscus tea:

num of white toast and tea

And being enjoyed now as I write this post:

resplendance of rootbeer

Rootbeer and toast always never fail to make me feel better.

And as for mashed potatoes, ever have a moment of unhappiness when eating them?  Not possible I think.  Before the bite, yes.  After a bite, yes…but during?  Never!

::

 

To my many friends and family here on this blog and out there in the world, this post was written today just for you.  I have not forgotten you.  So sorry you have not been hearing from me.  You are definitely NOT people that I do not want to be around, but you are not right here right now.  And when I am in a bit of a random funk, I follow the quiet flow home inside.  I know you join me there.  I think all my introverted funk soul brethren understand this, too.

I raise a frosty bottle with an unmotivated (but still caring about you) hand and dedicate this one to you.

 

_ _ _ _ _

** Oh yes, and the header picture for the post:  it is a random one I have in my “this makes me feel better when I see it” file.  Hard to stay too deep in the random funk when one remembers we share this crazy planet within creation that makes things that are this cute!  (Little hedgehog …and to Ms A, it was one of these with her little one on her back that made it on a card into your world.  They always help me find happy 🙂 . )

 

 

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This entry was published on March 29, 2014 at 7:57 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

18 thoughts on “Random Funk

  1. Transformation…life as art.

  2. Hi M, thanks for checking in. I have not had the time to write or read here as much as I’d like.

    Have a potato for me. Happy reading!
    Xxx D

    • Ms D, I have roasted the garlic and have the Devon double cream butter to hand 🙂 and will be dipping into a little Joyce (a lovely fabric bound copy of “Ulysses” from 1945 found on a recent foray into Powell’s.

      Hope all that is swirling you away from writing and reading in your world is going well.

      -x.M

      • Hi M,
        Taxes are finally done. Family business os good for now and I even squeezed in some writing today.

        Joyce is on my list. Finnegan’s Wake is in the cue.

        Glad to see you up and about, dipping away at those things you love.

        xxx
        Debra

  3. Grumpy, tetchy, cantankerous Maren. Ah, I have written my first koan. ;). You have brought beauty, levity and soft pause to the bleaker corners of life. This is something you do, sprinkling a little beauty and glimmer to all parts equally, and we all appreciate that very much. Thank you, funk soul sistah. Yes, the little hedgehog has been forever etched into my heart. You have a gift of making your world feel loved even when you withdraw from it. Xoxo-A

    • A little bee on the breeze told me today that someone we know may be coming west against the wind this fall. Grumpy, tetchy and the cantank-ster would currently like to request a “save the date” for a little time set aside to take momma hedgehog to tea. They send their regrets however as hopefully they will be engaged elsewhere at that time, but they will send M with her dancing shoes on. x. 🙂


  4. “I’ll take the silent treatment off your hands unbeaten
    I’ll take the easy sequence
    Less people, more freedom

    The blood cheat
    Don’t give myself away
    Don’t give myself away
    The dull seed
    Don’t give myself away
    And long for the rest of this curse”

    Such beauty in the corner, with you! The model of withdrawal is inspiring!
    xo!! m

    (I once visited a preschool playground full of 3 to 5 year old preciously present beings – they played in fierce earnestness while the grandmotherly wise woman care giver made them toast on white bread next to an outlet on the exterior of the building, having carried the toaster out to a tree stump table. As she slathered the toast with fresh butter, It seemed a more holy meal had never existed throughout time.)

  5. The little bee is right! Perhaps he also delivered my “woo-hoo!”? Holding that event in my future helps make my today much softer. I would love to have tea with whatever parts of you happen to be manifesting. And no worries if the three bleak musketeers come to join us,for I am also a great lover of root beer and mashed potatoes. As for tea, my mind brews a new concoction of hibiscus, cinnamon, and honey, and waits patiently for the first warm spring day, so that I can pour it over ice. Mmmm Mmmm M!!!

  6. I totally agree with Andrea’s comment on the 30 th at 7.04. Even when you’re in a state funk you still manage to be lovely and sprinkle magic aound! Thanks for being M! I sometimes advice people after a session to have some “tele- therapy” at home! 🙂
    p.s…I love Hedgehogs too! When I was little I found a sick one and had it for a few days in a shoebox. When it was beter I put it back in the forest where I’d found it. P x

    • Tele-therapy… I love it! That is the first time I have heard that one. One must take care not to become lobotomized with too much treatment though 🙂 . -x.M

      • I meant, “cinema therapy”, 🙂 Tele = lobotomy
        I have a postr soemwhere that says: ” Tele = mass distraction. Ill try to find it and post it soon.

        I would only recommend the good stuff, ofcourse!
        M of a G is one of the best indeed. I’ve seen it a few times. I like it especially because most Eastern movies have a different kind of ending. Have you ever seen, the movie, Anger managent? Nothing like the Geisha, but I loved it too. P x

  7. I so love these ‘me’ days when they happen… Today it’s all about me me and me… time to balance our self once again, enabling us to venture out again… Enjoy it all the white bread too… xxx Barbara

    • Yes the me days when they are spent remembering that the mes in a we are the same one are so important! Will sent a quiet hello to you at toast with tea time today. -x.M

  8. Oh M — what a gift to me this post is! Thank you for sharing your version and your wonderful antidotes. I just loved it all!!! I’m definitely in the mashed potatoes camp too, although to really be comfort food for me, I have to eat them with stewed tomatoes on top.Really, it’s good. I admire greatly your ability to honor this funk process and take yourself away to the inner sanctums of your Self. Blessings and love, Alia

  9. Pingback: Readers Respond to “A Personal Apocalypse” | New Earth Paradigm

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