I have fallen in it.
I find there is this hole around me and I have chosen to dive right out into it…smack dab left of center into the full on funk of not feeling like engaging with the world.
I just can’t get motivated to do much of anything.
I can’t find a will to care.
Ever feel like that upon awakening on a random Tuesday morning with no source particulars to pin the loss of happy on, in or around?
Humph. Blah. Bah humbug.
Tetchy, along with his big brother Grumpy (and their close cousin Cantankerous), all vie for a place at my tea table. The awareness of a little part of self that I have cultivated to observe the flow always from neutral, gets a kick out of watching the way these precious fools enter into the emotional room at my home. It is gives the surface appearance of a bleak house indeed. Shake me up Judy…and welcome to the party Mr. Smallweed. 🙂
When mentally rounding up all the usual causality suspects in the flow of my life, they seem well in hand…those remaining ouchy spots in my memory and the current works in the progress of growth are examined, found accounted for and seem under control. They are not instigating this little life engagement strike and in truth, there has been no real riot (…as of yet).
It is not so bad a dance with the black dog that the bills are not getting paid on time and the hair on the head remains washed on more or less a socially appropriate schedule without seeming to be too awful of a herculean effort.
However, still the fundamental feeling of a funk remains.
When things get like this, as I contemplate with a peek outside into the world, I find I come back home and wholeheartedly give in to my propensity to withdraw.
resistance is futile
I hate faking it with the outside world, so I give my self permission to indulge with a secret love affair. I give in to a passionate (even if tipping blissfully into a torrid at times) romance with my true nature: Introversion.
…you mean to say that Maren, (the oft described outgoing-friendly-smiley-happy person M) secretly from time to time does not like to be around people?
I quietly and discretely sound the closing on any forced extroversion bell and make my hasty retreat into honesty:
Yes, often I do not like being around people.
Some random things I do in my world when feelings felt while in a random funk tip into action:
- I turn off my phone.
- I do not look at email.
- I read. A lot.
- I wear my pajamas all day.
- I participate only in conversation with the movement of light as it changes and glows around the room I am in.
Example of the talk it had with me a few evenings ago:
(What a wonderful thing to experience for the first time in the rooms one lives in as the sun changes position through the windows -shifting color, angle and location with the flow of seasons. It is my first spring spent in this space and it is stunningly lit.)
- I spend hours and hours just sitting in the quiet on the couch with the only sound of the passing movement of time
- I find I focus on consuming things rather than creating.
In any funk fought consumption I usually return to my first drug of choice which both anesthetizes AND makes me feel better: beautiful cinema. This go around, I started last week with a rescreening of a visually ravishing long time favorite:
Memoirs of a Geisha
Having spent some years when growing up with a Japanese au pair of sorts, I learned as a young girl to adore that particular culture’s esthetic. I LOVE the concept that the meaning of the Japanese word “geisha” represents:
one’s life lived itself
as a work of art
In fact, it was the memory filed away of the beautiful set pieces used in the movie (during the metamorphosis of the main character from Chiyo to Sayuri -see comments) which was the inspiration point for the purchase choice of my own magic mirror: X. Even in a funk, it is there daily reminding me of beauty and transformation in my own life. And with that, can’t a funk be found and reflected back with it’s own kind of beauty, too?!:
current bedroom corner of inspiration location of M’s Kyodai
(I have never been able to kneel comfortably for long periods, so my vanity is now placed on an antique oak table; still the first thing I see when I wake up. And the little red lacquer table pictured in the original Transformation post? It now makes it’s home in the corner of the downstairs powder room!)
- I eventually, for better or for worse, usually at some point also cave into the crave for comfort food as well.
When I feel like this, I do force myself to go out and engage with other people and the external world by at least going to the market. In the cart and returning home with me when I feel funk like this is usually mashed potatoes, rootbeer and sliced white bread.
As a small child I can remember sitting with my sister in the back window well of my dad’s red Volkswagon Bug and heading to the drive-in for a Frostie rootbeer. It was served in chilled, chunky mugs. There also were trips made to the Day Old Wonderbread Store (which my siblings and I always called year old 🙂 ). Always on a budget, my mother would buy in bulk and freeze the extra bread. It NEVER tasted good defrosted, so I tended to toast everything.
To this day I can never fail to be cheered by a piece of toast made with FRESH, cakey white bread. A moment of comfort in the funk was enjoyed earlier today, complete with lemon honey and cinnamon sugar toast and hibiscus tea:
And being enjoyed now as I write this post:
Rootbeer and toast always never fail to make me feel better.
And as for mashed potatoes, ever have a moment of unhappiness when eating them? Not possible I think. Before the bite, yes. After a bite, yes…but during? Never!
To my many friends and family here on this blog and out there in the world, this post was written today just for you. I have not forgotten you. So sorry you have not been hearing from me. You are definitely NOT people that I do not want to be around, but you are not right here right now. And when I am in a bit of a random funk, I follow the quiet flow home inside. I know you join me there. I think all my introverted funk soul brethren understand this, too.
I raise a frosty bottle with an unmotivated (but still caring about you) hand and dedicate this one to you.
_ _ _ _ _
** Oh yes, and the header picture for the post: it is a random one I have in my “this makes me feel better when I see it” file. Hard to stay too deep in the random funk when one remembers we share this crazy planet within creation that makes things that are this cute! (Little hedgehog …and to Ms A, it was one of these with her little one on her back that made it on a card into your world. They always help me find happy 🙂 . )