It is strange to be here. The mystery never leaves you alone.
-John O’Donohue, Anam Cara
One of the most precious anam cara of my life so far has left his form. There is a silence and deep sense of physically felt emptiness in my house. My little big hearted cat Luke, the most magical and adored Himalayan ever to have taken feline form has made his transition gracefully on to the next adventure (I believe every human has the right to say that their fur family member was the most amazing and it is absolutely true for each of us 🙂 ).
Luke was much more than “just a cat”. He was an incredible teacher of love in action within beingness for any human companion around him open to receiving the deep wisdom in the form of “cat” he had to offer. I learned so much from him. Thank you in advance dear reader, for indulging me now by allowing the sharing of a story, just one example among many of how this cat taught me even as he was dying:
On BEING present…
I found in the days leading to Luke preparing to leave his form, I was experiencing waves of feeling profound loss and sorrow at the thought of him not being physically here. These thoughts were in actuality cutting off my ability to just enjoy the present and feeling of BEING with him during the time he had left in the fur form. There he was, sitting right in front of me in the now…peace, peace, peace…but the pain at my thoughts about him soon not being in that form in the future would cut me off from feeling his presence right there “in the now” of the moment. As a result of this on going thought cycle I was struggling with, this is what he did:
I do not have many clocks in my home and only one that makes any nose at all. Over and over during the last days of Luke’s life in fur form, he took me for many hours to the master bathroom which happens to be the only location in the house with a clock that ticks. It is the location that has a little travel alarm with hands that glow so as to be easily seen when checking the time in the middle of the night.
I think Luke enjoyed being in that location for providing his tiny, uncomfortable body some comfort and relief on the coolness of the tile floor. However, there are several places that he could have chosen in the house to find that sort of comfort and this bathroom is not a location he ever had spent much time before.
Hummmm…why was he choosing there I was thinking to myself. Then I heard it.
tick – tick – tick – tick – tick
It was a clock calling out with each sound: NOW NOW NOW.
When I finally rreeaallyy heard the reality of this clock, it hit me like a warm hug. Luke was helping my awareness of the passing of time to be called into focus, back from the future (which only can happen in thought), back from the illusion of time when he would be physically gone (the now as I write this), called back deeply into the moment of his still being there then in physical form (and still now here, just not in form 🙂 ). It was the hearing of a clock ticking in time and space with the added awareness of a third vector of divine will through “cat” orchestrating all within a connection offered by sound. What a precious, precious teacher to direct and guide the actions of what was to take place in experience right NOW by choosing that location.
Luke was dying in physical form. It was true. He knew it and I knew it. BUT he was right there with me then and he wanted me to be able to be fully present with him…outside AND in my thoughts. When this happens, the feeling of anything to ever be separated from melts away. Thus, the of feeling loss and sorrow at thought instantly goes POOF because those emotions can never be found right in the now (well unless our own bodies are actually currently on fire!). Thus, the illusion of physical separation begins to be known while still in form.
With awareness of true presence in time as it passes contained in form on Earth, we are able to be present outside and feel from our deeper connections as one inside. The real reality of what is happening in time is always NOW – NOW – NOW from the inside out and outside in. With this awareness, it is not possible to suffer when our focus is brought back to NOW. 🙂
tick – tick – tick – tick -tick
Luke was using space and time and sound to help me remember how to be present with him, lightening my heart and bringing me more fully into the present moment.
After spending the morning on the day of his transition wandering with him leading, visiting his favorite spots in the house (and including a quick request by Luke to go outside by his standing right at the deck door), it was back on the floor of this bathroom upstairs where Luke located us again during the last hour he was alive. I laid down next to him on the floor listening to him breathe, listening to the clock tick, all while while waiting to hear the crunch of the tires from the Veterinarian’s car pulling into the driveway outside. This was the visit being made so Luke could be euthanized at home. I was given a window of time that the local Vet could make a house call (late afternoon into early evening), so Luke and I were left there in the NOW, left to wait together at home.
This experience got me thinking again…When is anything meant to die? Is there always a preset time?
Any time spent with those we love while they are still in a separate form with a delineated, consciously known ending point to that form is so precious. We are all born here on earth being taught from the first breath we take that we will one day take a last. This is part of the big mystery of being here on this planet with a physical form in time.
We are born to live and then to die.
Is this true?
Luke gifted me the experience of this. He was here in a body one moment and then in the next one we had consciously chosen, he wasn’t.
We all can know in that moment, (even this moment as I am writing this in my now) and you are reading this (my future as I type these words, your now as you are reading), that one day our physical forms will die (or make some sort of enlightened transformation 🙂 ). Allowing that awareness to be in the forefront of our thinking now, what does that thought do to (y)our experience of time?
Right now we are in the process of moving toward dying.
I was very privileged to be asked to participate in and witness this time spent on Earth, eighteen years living and a moment chosen for dying, with Luke.
When the time came and Luke took his last breath with his form, within seconds after, I experienced what I can only describe as if a sparkler was physically lit in the center of my heart. As my heart was felt beating, it is as if added little, tingly sparks of light started from one deep burning spot in the center of my chest and then moved out in the feeling of radiating tingles and chills throughout my whole body. I believe this was Luke interacting with my form as he had just left his and was finally free of physical separation. It was so beautiful.
My oh my, how I miss his fur at moments still 😦 , but I know in this heart of mine, he has not gone anywhere.
The header picture shared on this post is one of my reminding treasures. It is a gift from another precious anam cara, painted and presented to me some years ago as I was physically moving away from the area we were both physically living close to each other. The title of the piece is “Reflections of Home ” and it came with a card that said when the phone rings in my head, to remember pick up. 🙂
Thanks to our precious Luke, I am doing just that. More and more I find I am remembering being from home in my physical home and am hearing the calls reflected from home inside more than ever.
– – LUKE – –
September 1996 – August 2014
picture taken during a moment shared outside the morning of his passing
❤ Luke ❤ today:
🙂
_ _ _ _ _ _
Thank you to all who have reached out over the past weeks with words, thoughts and feelings of love for both myself and Luke. All has been received from you during this time and is deeply appreciated. Luke died as I laid next to him on the floor in the kitchen with tears of gratitude flowing while saying aloud thank you ! thank you ! thank you! All there was left in that moment was just overwhelming gratitude for the amazing “cat” life full of joy he gifted and shared with me.
I type now closing with a few happy tears, again saying thank you thank you thank you ! to those who are reading this and sharing (y)our living with me now as well. -x.M
seeingM 
::
A few more layers to share for those who are interested:
I am very happy to live in a State here in America that makes the choice for the time of death with dignity officially available to human beings as well. I think that the physical diagnosis of something being called terminal is a highly personal label that must really be sat with for a time to know if it is actually true or not. Saying that however, I know without a doubt that we know what we know when we know it about our own physical bodies. Our bodies do not lie. It is only in our thoughts assigning meaning to what is going on with our bodies where this happens.
I will celebrate living life in this separated human form of a body for as long as I can and need to and I will not leave a moment before the last breath needs to be taken and the last lesson is learned. (I have been given the choice to leave before and it was Luke who helped me choose to stay! -link left for those interested in the story)
There is great learning and growth available for humans still in the separated living form when we are asked to attend closely to how we and those we love die.
“There is a dignity in suffering, but there is a certain grace in accepting the inevitable.” -Cody Curtis, How To Die in Oregon
I highly recommend watching this documentary. Doing so a few years ago brought up some very interesting mirrors with which to understand and evolve my own thoughts about living and dying in a deeper way.
::
When it comes to animals, they do not have the ability to communicate with us using a spoken voice related to their wishes surrounding death. In particular, this left me as the interaction and decision point as the human responsible for carrying out what I believed to have been Luke’s wishes. For any who would say that direct communication with animals is not possible as we currently, commonly understand it, I would humbly ask you to allow your mind to open and watch the following:
Wonderful to watch a man who so loves animals also have the remembering of his ability to communicate coming back on line. This woman says that what she does, we all can do. She is a gem as her focus is on helping all human beings to remember how to join the real, deeper conversation that is actually going on with ALL LIFE on this planet, no words or cell phones ever needed. Luke spoke to me every day of his life. Of this I have no doubt. He gave me the great privilege of practicing remembering how hear him.
More about what Anna teaches us to REMEMBER (not learn) how to do:
We humans are the life forms on this planet who have forgotten how to communicate as a part of our living home. Our focus on the external experience of communication, our thought and spoken word orientation for shared dialogue has allowed us to create many incredible things, but at what cost to our planet? It has so limited us. We have cut ourselves off from our ability to join the conversation from the inner places which are shared planet wide.
In the last days of his life, Luke “asked” me to be still and present with him and to join this conversation from the inside out. It continues to be one of the hardest and best experiences of my life.
First, let me thank Luke from the depths of my tender animal-loving heart, for all of the wisdom he shared with you, for the shifts he helped initiate, for the joy and love and humor he provided you, which you then, both directly and indirectly, shared with us.
Second, reading this post made my bones shake with the maternal energy that you emanate, like a magnificent divine tuning fork, I felt it so deeply, the bittersweetness of it all, the realization of the infathomable love you held for Luke, being realized so intensely in those last moments together.
I also see a beautiful parallel between the two lovely M’s; two mothers who, within days of each other, write powerful posts about mothering, the transitions involved, being present, and letting go.
My heart is overflowing for you and yours, and your new feline guardian angel. My first pet, a little mutt created when the neighbors’ snobby and highly ribboned and groomed little terrier escaped her fence and met up with a sly miniature collie…sigh…I was nine when I got him. I chose him from three, or should say, he chose me, he came to me three times when I lined the three puppies up. ( My mom desperately wanted me to choose the female, so she had me perform my little test 3 times, and it was always he who came. He was Peanut, and he was with me through the crazy teenage years, 9-19. I never once spent the night out that summer, and the one night i did, at the end before returning to college, was to be his last. I arrived the next day at the Animal ER, and said goodbye, and I chose, of all my family, to euthenize. It was odd, I knew him and loved him most, and I knew what to do. I feel him still, 17 years later.
I send you my furriest of hugs, my whiskeriest of kisses. I love you M!
Andrea
M – been mentally debating the last few minutes whether or not I should send this, then decided yes. I climbed into bed immediately after commenting above, and as I drifted to that in between space of dreaming and waking, a foot in both lands, a very very furry cat came purring into my mind, and I recognized him as my mind’s version of Luke. He wrote the word LUKE, then wrote the word LOVE, then mixed up the letters of his name, took the O from LOVE, and spelled EKOLU. I immediately understood that he meant for me to understand a song I know by the group Ekolu, but haven’t recalled in years, I couldn’t even remember the name, I only remember it as “a song for mother”, that’s what I heard in my head. So I googled, and figured out the song is called “When I Think of You”. I don’t know how to link a YouTube video from an iPad (no computer access right now), but if you google it you will find it on YouTube. I googled “ekolu song for mother” and the top result was the YouTube song with the words. It seems to me that perhaps it is a song you and Luke both sing to each other, perhaps he felt you might get a good metaphysical connection and a good cry out of it. I don’t know.
Hope this doesn’t add to the sorrows, but it was just too deeply felt in my heart not to pass on. You have one special cat. I say have in the present, because today I tried for the first time to waterski, jumped off a huge rock into the depths of a lake twice, played with the kids in the water, and drank a glass of wine. Thus, I am exhausted and there is NO WAY I could have received such a message without a very very strong and insistent sender. Luke is one warrior, in all his many forms!
Sweet dreams to you tonight, I hope the lovely songs for mother fill you with warmth and comfort.
A,
This is the actual beginning of a sentence from a note I sent to Marga earlier today:
“Luke…the UK mack daddy OV Love is now a dearly departed”. lUKe lOVe.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Such beauty from one in the groove. 🙂 We are so “Luke” loved A! SO SO SO appreciate you following your inspiration to share.
MASSIVE squeezes and sweet, sweet dreams sent right back to you!
-xx.M
A,
Just finished listening to this song. It is not one I had heard before. I will share with you that N and I have a “la la la la la la la” thing that we do out loud with each out ALL THE TIME! When next we are together, remind me or N and we will tell you about it 🙂 .
This cat mum’s heart is bursting with joy.
-xx.M
Oh WOWOWOWOWOW! Thank you for making the move back out of bed for this Ms. A. I think LUKE might just be an interstellar Scrabble champion of Love! Chills to the center of these bones in 95 degrees!
Kittyyyyyyy…….
There is a deep purrrrrr floating close by those yyyy’s . Thanks S. -x.M
Oh my goodness. Luke Love is a powerful energy. So, so glad that the cat mum’s heart is bursting with joy! La la la M! You dance and sing so gracefully through life, and I am so grateful we swing in each other’s arms from time time!
Dear M,
Tears fill my eyes reading of your deep devotion and love for Luke and the wonderful years you two had together. I cry because I recognize myself in similar situations with cats that have loved me more than I probably deserved.
I’ve had cats around me since early childhood, each one different, some a little more special, some closer to me than others.
I’ve also experienced a multitude of ways of parting with them, from euthanizing to spending a 3-day vigil with my dear Albert while she passed on from cancer. I can’t say which is better or worse, but I believe that the cats themselves help us make the decision with them.
Our oldest cat, Duffy, will be 14 in October, and although that seems young for a cat’s health to be failing, I sense that we will be saying goodbye to him soon.
I can never be too grateful for all I have gained from knowing the cats that have graced me with their loving presence.
Thanks for sharing such a loving tribute to Luke here with us. He was a beautiful boy.
Much love,
Debra
The purity of the relationship mirror that animals offer is so powerful. You are so blessed to have had them close into your circle for your whole life. Luke was my first animal family member and although I won’t say last, I do know that it will be a good loooong time before little feet will be heard on the wooden floors where I call home.
Right now this very minute I am sending you and Duffy a huge hug.
During these last months at least 20 or 30 times each day I would stop in the middle of whatever I was doing and just engage with Luke. It is funny how we get little niggles and can feel the physical end creeping in. I wanted to enjoy as many fur moments as I possibly could. I can remember with detail the last time he was on my lap at his own instigation of it, however at the time I did not realize it was such which with hindsight makes it so incredibly precious. I feel very glad that he did as well as he did for as long as he did and my only hope is that he did not hang on longer than was too uncomfortable because he knew how much I loathed the idea of his physical loss.
I hope many more purr filled days in the fur for D & D to hang healthily together. Give the Duff-ster a nice scratch under the chin from me.
-x.M
Thanks and will do M!
xxx
D
Many tears filled my eyes as I read your beautiful account of the last moments with your precious Luke. So generous of you to share the way he shared himself with you generously.
I was introduced to Anna B by Leslie Temple Thurston last year. Both of their lives have changed mine. It was so lovely to see her linked here. Thank you.
Much love and gentleness coming to you tonight from the midwest. xoxo
A,
Love and gentleness received and felt. Thank you. It is funny how loss of physical presence hits one in ways that cannot be anticipated until it happens.
Anna B has been a great comfort in reminding what is possible. I am so grateful that our heritage as connected to the web of communication on the planet is being remembered.
Gratitude and joy at our connections sent right back east. -x.M
Dear M, I’m happy to hear that after 18 years of purr love you and Luke also had such a heartfelt letting go as well! I love the story of the tick tack clock!!! No worries Luke will show you in many tick tick ways that he is still around! Yesterday I wrote you a long comment, wich dissapeared a split second before posting it. It can not be written again, but know that I’m with you in thought!
Luke was a very handsome beautiful cat!
I would also like to thank you again for your amazing skill of writing and finding the purrfect videos with them!!! I love the Anna-Panter story and going to post it on my blog tomorrow…Much love and strength for the coming times, Pina
Thanks Pina. The love and support is definitely felt especially in the funny little physically missing moments in the house.
Luke’s massive spirit is still felt swirling all around, but I miss having him directly underfoot. There is an area in the kitchen of our current home between the island and the sink where his water bowl was located. When N and I would be over there cooking or doing dishes or unloading items from a run to the market, he would always come join in. I have been minding my feet for 18 years so as to not inadvertently smoosh any paws or tail. He was really good about not being right in the way, but he loved to be close in our activies and this makes me miss the fur something fierce at moments when my awareness automatically goes to mind where he is and my eyes do not find him…heart definitely does though so thank you for the reminders. -x.M
Hi dear M! How are you now? Love P x
This all takes me back to when I lost two beloved dogs – one, some 18 or 20 years ago, and the other, a couple of months ago. With both, I had moments of communication that no sceptic could ever be persuaded to have occurred other than as in my own imagination.
There’s no point in going into much detail here M, save to say that on one occasion I became physically paralysed from the hip region downwards and couldn’t stand up for a couple of minutes, try as I might. In fact, I couldn’t even move the lower portion of my body at all. At the time I had been lying on the floor next to, and talking with, my German Shepherd who couldn’t stand up because of hip dysplasia. I was perfectly mobile myself around the time of this event, with no postural issues whatsoever; so this was not some cramp or muscle contraction caused by my lying on the floor, and the experience was entirely painless, though quite emotional.
I have thought of you and Luke frequently over the past week or two, the whole situation being close to my heart, and of course, to my own very recent experience with Nellie, my Border Collie – ‘just a dog’, of course. . .
Lots of love M.
Hariod. ❤
P.S. I enjoyed the Anna Breytenbach video; quite moving – many thanks.
The boundaries blur in form and all that is left is great love. I was once in bed with a strange bout of stomach upset with vertigo. Back in those days it was a rare thing for Luke to come and sit right on ones person (he liked being close and around, but still with his own space). At this time however he jumped up on the bed and sat right on my chest for 4 or 5 minutes. Then he got up and went into the hallway. Within a few minutes after this I started feeling completely fine and he could be heard to throw up in the hall! I jumped out of bed to attend to him and all he did was hold still and nap for about 15 minutes and was fine after that (as was I!!!) . So, your sympathetic share of hip transfer does not seem too woo woo to me at all!
Over the past year or so every time I would massage Luke, I would gently rub his joints and ask to heal and give comfort. About 4 months ago my left elbow began with an aching that just would not go away. The evening of his passing I went for a walk and noticed that the ache was gone. It has not returned since 🙂 .
One of my all time favorite dogs ever was a German Shepard named King. He was a farm dog for my grandparents. When my sister and I were little he used to make sure we would not get into too much trouble as we explored all the out buildings, irrigation canals and animal barns. There was a big flowering bush of some type that made a secret space around it’s trunk leaving a spot for the little person that I was to curl up and hide and to watch the world go by from. King used to come and curl up with me, not happy until I used his tummy as my pillow. It was magic.
I honestly have felt the love and support sent my way. I don’t think I would have been able to grieve as “productively” (if one can say it like that) as I have if it hadn’t been for all I have sensed shared. Tremendous gratitude sent in return. -x.M
Amazing anecdotes M; and such a pleasure to be able to exchange these. . . what shall we say, . . . esoteric ideas with you.
Those special moments of shared understanding, caring and healing that you had with both Luke and King sound incredibly powerful and will call to you down through time M; always returning.
H. ❤
The love is thick and tangible around here, M! I am pouring more love into the overflowing cup, today, for M and N, in those moments that awaken any ache.
Reading and listening to the healing and boundary crossing pet/animal stories are so beautiful.
Just a quick kitty share: the Ese cat who came to our family so mysteriously this past winter must have completed his work for he has moved back to his original family in uncanny and validating ways just recently, in perfect coordination with Chloe going to college. Seems he may have been her special visitor, as he slept in her bed and followed her around the house more like a dog than a cat, and now, he and his first love, Chandler, have reconciled and Ese went back home to live. All seems preordained. And I am once again gifted great lessons in allowing all to flow naturally in accordance to the Tao like stream of entrances and exits beyond my control.
xoxoxo! m
The wisdom and conscious connection of our fur family seem to have no end…Ese the little watch cat! Allowing the flow with grace is such an incredible art to master. I find my attachments bumbled up against often recently (which is a challenging AND good thing 🙂 ).
I hope the mother’s heart is able to sleep as easy as is possible with the pieces of it that are now launching into the world and that love is a thick balm and cool blanket of comfort moving past the elephant on the chest. -x.M
M – I feel for you on your goodbye to Luke. Your telling of his final days and your experience is such a beautiful tribute, I am deeply touched.
Your insights mirror my own recent reflections on the magnificence of our furry friends as teachers of wisdom and beauty. My heart strings are playing for you and Luke – DK
OH DK! These are deep and meaningful words from one I know has walked this path of transition from fur form in his own heart…there are these moments that are so deep and peaceful knowing of freedom from physical suffering punctuated by my human body on autopilot which keeps accommodating the habits and routines of watching out for the fur form in the home which upon catching myself doing, for me, pinch at the heart.
Observing deep grief and letting it be a teacher is such an interesting experience. There are several people that I love who have moved on to the next adventure out of their human form, but none who were in my life on a daily basis leaving such a gaping eighteen year empty spot. Because of this, there has been a special ache that I suspect you know all too well.
I am in the process of letting the feelings that arise move through so as to fertilize my living garden rather than avoiding feeling what at times can be a deep discomfort. Allowing the full feeling of this ache is not always an easy thing to do, but if we do not, I suspect it would permanently wound my bones.
Your tune is heard on the breeze in the heart and is so beautiful as I know it is one that comes from great harmony in sympathy and empathy in experience. We truly learn to witness mourning with others only when we have allowed ourselves the full experience of mourning ourselves.
Thank you!!! -x.M
M
I appreciate your recognition of my own transitional experience and the very felt connection that exits in discussion and support of each other through such trials… a really sincere humanity shines through in this sharing.
I am just beginning to feel the grieving – transformative as it in itself may be – as a welcome reminder of the impact that the fur, eyes and companionship had on me. It begins to feel “good” in this way, both reminding of the past and guiding toward the future.
Here is to our ongoing matriculation…
🙂
DK
Yes, here here!! -x.M
PS lovely to have a peek in with you here as well.
Your beautiful sharing works as a prayerful return to the present moment, while paradoxically also expanding my awareness to include all that ever was and will be. I say this because while your piece centred me, it also re-minded me of my similar experience with my German shepherd, Serene. Holding her in my arms for five days as she decided to transit were a lesson in dropping all mental constructs of life, death, form and transience … And experientially learning love is all there is. Animals undoubtedly communicate, and I have been blessed by many angels in canine and feline form.
I do not feel I have the appropriate words to express how I feel…but let me end with warm, heartfelt prayers and gratitude for you and Luke. Being touched by your presence has brought light to my day.
❤
Your words are so gracious and appreciated and the share of your experience with Serene helps anchor the peace in the center of what externally can be felt as shifting emotional sands while grieving. Re-minding can be a tricky little walk, but when we return in memory and find just the peace, it is a wonderful way to celebrated the wisdom gained from what can have been initially felt as the challenge of some pain. I am so happy to know that the end result is light. One could not ask for a better outcome from a share. This is always my intent…our details are different, but our outcomes in love the same 🙂 .
All animals are special, but there are certain relationships that for whatever reasons allow us to see things mirrored in interaction with them with such clarity. Here is a MASSIVE thank you to the Lukes and Serenes of this world who help their human family members reflect so clearly the feelings of home.
Thanks S (and S 🙂 ) ! -x.M
Cats are such astonishingly beautiful organic spiritual art. Lately, I’ve been struggling with my one year old female’s prolific hunting. She constantly brings her captures inside and I have been spending the last week screaming at her and chasing her out of the house (all the while feeling badly about admonishing her for being the predator that she was born to be).
Today she came in carrying a gorgeous red hibiscus in her mouth. She brought it to me and looked up to see if I liked it. Amazing moment. This is why it’s so hard to physically lose them when the time comes 😦
Luke so enjoyed being outside and I wish with all my heart I could have let him be an outdoor cat. With his tiny size, nose structure and matting fur, having him outside all the time would have been a complete mess. I just hope I was not too selfish in keeping him inside to aid him to live as long as possible. If this was a hard thing for him to deal with, he now knows the from the bottom of my heart, his crazy in love with him human was just trying to help.
Your little hunter sounds to be absolutely in love with you. Sharing the spoils of the hunt is a big deal…nice way to be included in the pride even if a bit macabre. Thanks for this heart warming share. Cats are absolutely amazing. I completely get why they were worshiped as Gods in antiquity.
Please give your little lady a scrub under the chin from me. -xx.M
🙂 ❤
death leaves me speechless. accept my heart’s ‘words’.